About 75% of my marriage coaching is conducted with clients over the telephone. Sometimes these clients want to meet with a local marriage counselor and ask me what they should be looking for when choosing a professional. I share with them that traditional marriage counseling does not have a very high success rate in terms of saving marriages. But if they must find a local marriage counselor here are the three questions that I would use as I was interviewing potential marriage help professionals: 1) Are you a “pro marriage” marriage counselor? I know the question seems ridiculous, but believe me your marriage counselor will know exactly what you are talking about. A “pro marriage” marriage counselor sees their role as the helping professional that is going to facilitate you saving your marriage and creating an even stronger marriage. Marriage counselors who may eventually arrive at the place of “yes” you should divorce, or there is nothing you can do to save your marriage are not pro marriage. The truth is there is always something that you can do and there is always hope. Make sure that your helping professional understands that you are looking for marriage counseling and not divorce counseling. 2) Will our sessions be future oriented or past oriented? If the sessions deal primarily with the past there is a high likelihood that you will get bogged down in the problems. Little good comes from a continual rehashing of the past. It is healthy to discuss the past, learn from the past, process the past if your must but at some point you must move from the past into the future. No one should be beat up in the marriage counselor’s office. The focus should be on how to positively move forward from past hurts and how to create a future that is better than the past. 3) Will there be regular homework? The actual saving of the marriage does not happen in the marriage counselor’s office. It happens as you apply strategies, ideas and new relationship skills after you have been to the counselor’s office. A good marriage counselor will never leave you hanging without positive relationship steps to take between visits. If you or someone you know is struggling with their marriage, pass this post along. These three questions can guide them on their search for a marriage helping professional.
4 Comments
2/16/2017 06:14:16 pm
This is some really great advice, especially the parts about making sure that nobody gets beat up or becomes the victim in the marriage counselor's office. After all, the reason you choose to go see a marriage counselor is to be open and honest with your feelings. You want to make sure that the counselor you choose can provide a safe environment for those feelings to be let out into without being mocked.
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8/8/2017 03:17:21 pm
There really is a big difference between marriage counseling and divorce counseling and it is good that the article encourages knowing that difference. After all, depending on what you and your spouse's plans are, you want to make sure you choose the right one. If you are still trying to save your relationship then you want a therapist that will focus on helping you build the bonds of your relationship back up.
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4/26/2018 06:45:21 am
My friend was telling me that she is considering seeing a marriage counselor to help smooth some things out in her marriage. I like how you suggested taking the time to consider the counselor's approach to therapy. I'm sure it would be more beneficial to work with someone who has a style that fits your personality and needs.
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8/21/2018 11:45:51 am
I really appreciate your tip to try and find a therapist that matches your comfort zone. My sister told me that she and her husband are trying to find someone to help them through their problems. I will be sure to tell my sister that she needs to find a therapist that both she and her husband are comfortable with.
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