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The Marriage Coach Blog

The Marriage Champion

11/14/2014

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Do you have any one in your life who is a marriage champion?  A marriage champion is that person that encourages you to move towards your spouse in love.  It is the friend who loves you and your spouse enough to motivate you to make decisions that are in the best interest of your marriage.  These voices are few and far between these days.  I can't tell you the number of marriages that would have been saved had it not been for meddling negative friends who spoke death over their friend’s marriages.  The truth is misery loves company.  Whether it be the good old boys club that never grows up or the man hater woman's club that has newly discovered the bar scene in their thirties and forties, the end result is always the same.  These friends rip marriages apart instead of encouraging couples to work it out.  I was talking to a friend the other day and she related the following story.  She said that several years ago her former college roommate and best friend had come to her complaining about her husband.  Her friend said that her relationship had grown very stale and she was bored with her marriage.  At best she was thinking about having an affair and at worst she was going to ask for a divorce.  When she shared this with my friend she was looking for support for her decision. My friend took a huge risk that paid off in gold.  My friend did not simply go along with her friend and say sure do whatever you want.  Instead she positively took a stand.  She reminded her friend of the promises that had she made the day she got married.  (My friend was in her wedding).  She talked to her from firsthand experience about the impact that a divorce would have on her daughter. (My friend grew up in a divorced home). She pointed out that her husband loved her dearly and she challenged her to seek help before doing anything drastic.  She said instead of checking out, try falling back in love with your husband.  Fast forward several years, today her friend is very happily married to the same man, she never had an affair and is grateful to my friend for speaking the truth in love.  Had my friend simply been passive or non-committal when asked, this couple would have probably divorced.  I am certain that she is grateful that she had a marriage champion in her life. 
Today if your marriage is in trouble be very careful about where you are getting advice.  Remember misery loves company and the grass is seldom greener on the other side.  Talk to people who will speak life over your marriage.  Focus on reconnecting.  Consider getting outside help.  Find a marriage champion.  Maybe even a coach.  If your marriage is great, make the decision that you are going to be a marriage champion for your friends and family. There is no greater reward than to have someone come up to you years later and say, "thank you,
If you know of someone who might benefit from today’s post please share it. If I can ever be of any assistance to you on your own marital journey, you can learn more about me and my alternative approach to marriage counseling at www.stlouismarriagecoaching.com. You can also subscribe to the St. Louis Marriage Coaching monthly newsletter at this site. Till next week keep falling more in love!you helped save my marriage".  Just ask m friend, she knows!

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Do affairs last?

11/5/2014

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 Do affairs ever really last?  Statistically speaking, the odds are stacked against them. 1 to 3 affairs out of 100 end up in a marriage, and of these, 75% will eventually end in divorce.  The chances that the affair will last are extremely small. There are many reasons that affairs don’t last. In my work with couples and individuals whose marriages have survived affairs, I have learned two key “affair” principles.  The first reality is that seed that is planted in bad soil, can’t grow in a healthy manner.  Relationships that start amidst lies, deception, sneaking and shame tend to stay stuck in this unhealthy realm.  Regardless of the reasons the individuals give for having the affair, the reality is that the affair relationship has roots in deception and lies.  The second “affair ”principle is that affairs tend to be rooted in fantasy.  The fantasy is that this person who I am having an affair with is the person who is going to make my life perfect.  Frequently I hear from people who are in affairs, “This person is my true soul mate”. The challenge with this is that it is a statement that is rooted in a fantasy.  It is may be exciting, it may be fun but it is not real.  And statistically speaking, it is not sustainable. The fantasy gets perpetuated because frequently the affair partners have no joint responsibilities.  Bills, child rearing, and other family responsibilities are relegated to their spouses as the affair couple lives in Disney World. It is an unsustainable fantasy.  
      A better strategy to find your true soul mate is to create a marital environment where your spouse becomes your soul mate.  I recently had the opportunity to work with a couple whose relationship has experienced the pain and trauma of an affair. The husband’s affair had clearly taken a toll on the relationship and yet both of them were able to report that the affair was the catalyst that has helped them create the marriage of their dreams.  It has not been an easy road, but they will both tell you that the road has been far easier than a divorce.  Their family is intact, their children are happy and healthy and they are both deeply in love with each other.  The wife shared with me that she is so glad that she did not give up on her husband. He shared that it was her unconditional love that brought him back.  If your spouse is having an affair, be assured it will end.  Stay the course and don’t give up on your marriage.  Be patient and wait, and like my friends, you will be glad that love had the final word.  


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