​“There is no hope for my marriage.  It can’t be fixed!” I hear this sentence several times a week.  These are words spoken by really wonderful people, who really believe that the statement is true.  They have been deeply hurt by their spouses and they believe that the level of pain is so great, that there is no way the marriage can recover.  They have lost hope.  When I begin to explore and go deeper with these individuals, sometimes I hear in their stories a hint of their wanting it to be different.  Sometimes even though they are saying, “There is no hope” they are secretly praying that there is hope and that their marriage could be fixed.  Sometimes they are saying it, and they really want to end the relationship.  Regardless of where they are when they are talking to me, here are some guidelines and principles that I have used to help the individuals lean back into their marriage and rediscover hope.
 

1.  There is always hope.  One of the most influential, inspirational books ever written has a quote spoken from an angel to a virgin who now finds herself pregnant, “With God, nothing is impossible”.    While you may be feeling hopeless today, the truth is that tomorrow you may feel differently.  The feeling of hopelessness is sometimes temporary.  Sometimes the most hopeless situations, work out wonderfully if you don’t give up.  The truth is, God can fix anything. 
2. I never undermine the pain.  The pain and anger that these spouses are feeling is frequently legitimate and deep.  The way to rediscover hope is never to minimize the pain.  Deal with the pain first.  The pathway to reconciliation is never found in pretending that the pain does not exist or sweeping serious issues under the carpet. 
3. Realize that people change.  A belief that destroys the possibility of a great marriage is the belief that people do not change.  This is evidenced by people saying things like, “You can’t teach old dog new tricks” or “You can’t take the stripes off of a zebra” or “Once a cheater, always a cheater”.  If people were dogs and zebra’s this belief might be true, but the reality is that every one of us have potential to change.  Frequently, the person who is holding onto this belief has experienced radical changes in their own lives.  I say, “You have changed, why don’t you think your spouse can change?”  This belief tries to lock people into their past and define them by their behaviors.  People change all the time.  I have seen serial cheaters, commit to their spouses, I have seen alcoholics, get sober, I have seen people with anger issues, become gentle non angry people, I have seen controlling people, surrender their need for control.  People really do change.  And I have seen couples fall back in love.  There is always the potential for change. 
4. The reset on the marriage should never be found in the rearview marriage.  The place to find hope is not by going backwards, but by going forward.  Don’t try to heal your marriage by recreating the past, but begin to focus forward on creating a new marriage.  When the offender has worked on their own issues and truly changed, when the offended has been given the time and opportunity to begin to trust these changes and releases the offences through forgiveness, hope is restored. 

 
I am a big believer that there is always hope.  Having had the opportunity to work with hundreds of couples who have rediscovered hope and restored their marriages fuels my passion to help couples create phenomenal marriages even after hope has been lost.  If you are beginning to lose hope, or would just like to have more information about my non-traditional approach to saving marriages, check out my website at stlouismarriagecoaching.com or call me at 314-606-4272.  Until next week, keep falling more in love!

​    Can you guess what the biggest enemy to your marriage will be in 2016?  Maybe it will be finances?  The fear or reality that you might not have enough financial resource to accomplish all of your dreams.  Maybe it will be health issues?  The inability to physically move and do the things that you want to do as a couple.  Maybe it will be challenges with the kids or with aging parents who are now living with you?  The challenges of raising and children and for some of us who are taking care of our parents can be overwhelming.  While all of these issues can take its toll on your marriage, the truth is your marriage can survive all of these and more in 2016.  The biggest enemy to your marriage in 2016 is accepting mediocrity as the norm for your relationship. 
    In working with married couples throughout the years, I have found that there are five types of marriages.  The first type of marriage that I have observed are phenomenal marriages.  These are marriages where couples consistently put love first, have a deep loving connection and work to continue to create passion and love in the relationship.  The second type of marriage that I have observe are good marriages.  These marriages have the relationship and relationship issues on the radar.  They know that creating and sustaining love takes work and intentionality.  They may not be their yet, but they are committed to working on the relationship.  The third type of relationship is the dead marriage.  These are couples who have made the decision to continue to stay together and live as roommates.  They stay together for finances, convenience, the kids or morality.  While this is no way to live, for these couples there is a mutual understanding and agreement that the marriage is dead.  The fourth type of relationship is the heading for divorce marriage.  These marriages usually have one person who has checked out of the marriage, and another person is working to save the marriage.  The person who is wanting a divorce believes that there is too much water under the bridge and that they can not turn back.  Frequently there are affairs involved.  I have had a great deal of success in helping these marriages.  The fifth type of relationship is in my opinion the most dangerous marriage.  It is what I call the drift marriage.  It is the marriage that has settled for mediocrity.  It is the marriage that says, “Our relationship is not phenomenal and it is not good, but it is good enough.”  The danger with this relationship is that it will eventually land in the dead or heading for divorce category.  Identify which type of marriage you have today.  The first key to turning a dead, heading for divorce or drift marriage around is making a decision to do something about the marriage.  Make it your number one priority to create a phenomenal marriage in 2016.  The truth is you can turn your marriage around and create the marriage of your dreams.  It all starts with a decision.  Make it today!